yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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