Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
