are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
