How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
