I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
