My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize