listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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