I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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