in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
