so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
