Jerry, you need to find god
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
where does the pee come out of this thing
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
