I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
