I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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