I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
