she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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