he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
