Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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