Im at strip club and am horny
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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