i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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