Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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