I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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