what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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