You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
