just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
