If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
