these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
