i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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