Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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