Jerry, you need to find god
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
