I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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