i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think your dad took our porno
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
