my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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