Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
