He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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