Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
