I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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