i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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