I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
