Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
