she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
