Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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