if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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