sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
