i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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