Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
