He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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