I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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