My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
