So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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