dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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