So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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