God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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