If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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