i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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