as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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