apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize